Steve Lightspeed's Blog

Goofing around with Porn Star Vanilla DeVille

I wanted to go to Spring Break in Key West, but my travel agent said the only room available was at an “all-nude resort”. He said, “OH HOW FUN! Naked college girls EVERYWHERE!” I thought that sounded like fun, so I booked a room for the whole week. I couldn’t wait to get there!

No one told me until I got there that it was a GAY nude resort. This isn’t at all what I had in mind! And now every hotel in the entire town is SOLD OUT.

Since I was stuck there, I decided to make the best of it. I didn’t go nude. I just tried to mind my own business. I’m not afraid of gay people, what is the worst thing that could happen?

That afternoon, the bartender at the pool called up a black guy with a HUGE penis. He offered him money to see how long he could bounce that monstrous penis up and down without stopping.

NOOOOO! I don’t want to see THAT! I’m just going to leave.

Then the bartender said, “Free drinks for everyone, for as long as he can keep going!” Well, ok, I’ll stay for free drinks, I just won’t WATCH. So the guy bounces for almost an HOUR, and I have maybe 4 or 5 free drinks.

This place isn’t so bad!

But how much longer can he bounce?

So I started paying attention, trying to determine when he’s almost about to quit, so I can get a final free drink before he does. Oh shit, NOW I’M WATCHING HIM!

Another 2 or 3 free drinks. But now I’m STARING AT HIM, wondering how in the world he can keep going! What a marathon!

Now I was really feeling the drinks. I found myself hynotized by the rhythm of the music. I started bobbing my head keeping time to the beat. I could hear people behind me laughing hysterically. I thought they were laughing at the bouncing man. I finally realized, he was bouncing to the beat of the music too, and they were laughing at ME for bobbing my head up and down while staring at his giant penis!

I NEVER IMAGINED I would EVER spend 30 minutes of my vacation staring at a gay black man’s cock! OH MY GOD! How embarrassing!

But the guy finally started looking pretty tired, so I ran to the bar to get one last drink before he quit. The bartender gave me my drink and said, “Unless you start showing some enthusiasm, you can go NEXT.”

Ok, now I’m drunk as hell, and MOTIVATED!

“Come on!!!! KEEP GOING!!! Shake that BLACK MONSTER, my gay BROTHER!!! Don’t stop, KEEP GOING, DON’T STOP!!!! OH YEAH!!!! Bounce it ALL…. NIGHT….. LONG!!!”

And I fall for it EVERY TIME. “Oh, you got me AGAIN! That’s so…. um… funny.”  Yeah, my penis is a fucking COMEDIAN and a PRICK. But I’ve beaten it so many times, its no wonder it HATES me.

So last night, I went to the restroom right before I was supposed to go on stage to do my comedy routine. But the damn door lock got stuck, so I was locked in the bathroom and starting to panic. I was supposed to already be in the wings waiting for my introduction. So I’m struggling with the lock, trying to unjam it. Now I’m freaking out. With all my effort, I forced open the lock. And at the same moment, BAM! My “comedian penis” decides to play his little prank.

“THAT’s for all the FAT GIRLS you made me fuck ANYWAY, you drunk bastard!”

I open the door and realize they are announcing me RIGHT NOW and I have to run straight on stage. So as I’m running to the stage, BAM!!! OH MY GOD, not again!!! Oh yeah, AGAIN.

“HAHAHA!!! And THAT’S payback for that VASECTOMY!” I’m sure my balls are high-fiving each other over the HILARITY going on in my pants, yelling, “Hey ANUS, got anything you’d like to add?  BAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!”

So I’m doing my set, and I can feel pee running down my leg. It’s damn hard to tell jokes when your shoes are filling with urine! They never covered anything like this in comedy class! Like “Lesson 16, What to Do When You Accidently Wet Your Pants On Stage”.

I’m seriously going to have to see a doctor about my penis comedian. Or else start wearing a fucking diaper on stage. Which could be ok. I can be like “Well, if you thought THAT joke STUNK, wait until you smell…… THIS!”

Anyway, whether my jokes are funny or not, I’ve decided to leave stand-up in a PUDDLE of COMEDY, and RETIRE while I can still hear my audience LAUGHING.

My wife went through my joke list last night. Now I have a new joke called,
“THE TOP 10 JOKES I CAN NEVER TELL AGAIN!”

#10. A joke about parenting and divorce, called,
“Say Mommy’s a Bitch!”

#9. A joke about years of smoking pot, called,
“Sometimes I Tell the Same Joke Twice”!

#9. A joke about years of smoking pot, called,
“Sometimes I Tell the Same jo. oh shit!

#8. A tie between two jokes, both about unusual penis size, one called,
“Like Smoking a TicTac!”

and the other called,
“Look it up on Google Earth!”

#7. A joke about go-kart racing on an upset stomach, called,
“So Much FUN, You’ll SHIT Yourself!”

#6. A joke about chewed-up tissues at a coke party, called,
“I Think the Dog needs REHAB!”

#5. A joke about a prostitute with mential disorders, called,
“What the fuck, Sybil?  I’m not paying TRIPLE for that!”

#4. A joke about forbidden love and murder, called,
“I Think Grampa is HITTING on Me!”

#3. A joke about a toddler who won’t stop cussing, called,
“I Don’t Want No FUCKING Timeout, You ASSHOLE!”

#2. A joke about being arrested on vacation, called,
“Fisting the Dolphin’s Blowhole!”

And the #1 JOKE I CAN NEVER TELL AGAIN.

A bittersweet coming-of-age joke about ignoring ALL the rules, called,
“STOP CUMMING IN MY MOUTH!”

My first house was in a bad, I mean BAD neighborhood. There was a crack house next door, and a meth house a few doors down, and I was dealing weed and shooting amateur porn in my house…. Anyway, one night, someone SHOT our HOUSE!

We called the police, and they said they weren’t surprised, because our house had been involved in crimes before. I never found out WHO shot it. But if my house was involved in crimes before, I figured my house must have been ARRESTED, and it took a PLEA BARGAIN and TESTIFIED against all the OTHER HOUSES in the NEIGHBORHOOD, and now someone came back to pop a cap in its ass!

If it did ALL THAT, then that fucking SNITCH-BITCH house DESERVED to be SHOT!

We have a drive-thru palm reader in Phoenix. Well, how fast can you drive through? Maybe just a wave from the freeway would be enough? She would be like, “I can see… I can see… that you’re left handed, an IDIOT, and you’re IN A HURRY!”

Drive-thru liquor stores make so much more SENSE. Because parking your car and going into a store to get more booze can really fuck up a good buzz!

I drove out to LA from Phoenix, and around Palm Springs I saw something that really impressed me. There were rows and rows of WHITE TOWERS with HUGE PROPELLERS spinning in the wind, like giant PINWHEELS. I thought, “Wow, the people that live here must be RICH! What a great idea! Someone finally figured out how to use GIANT FANS to make LA stop SMELLING like a GARBAGE DUMP!

When I wrote that joke, I couldn’t remember the word “PINWHEELS”. So I asked my wife, “What are those toys called, that girls always play with; they hold them tight in their fist, and make them spin by blowing them?” She said, “um, men?”

They say you can tell a lot about someone by the way they treat animals. I picked up a girl at a bar, and as we left the bar, she saw a big dumb dog tied up on the street. As we passed it, she stopped to pat its head. The dog loved her, and I thought, “Wow, she is really FRIENDLY!”

She started scratching his ears, then under his chin, then his back. His tail was wagging back and forth, he was in Heaven with so much attention! And I thought, “Damn, she’s really GIVING!”

The dog rolled over, and she scratched his chest and rubbed his belly! This big dumb dog never had it so good! And I thought, “Holy shit, this girl is a PLEASER! I think I LOVE this girl!”

But then she stopped, and said “Ok boy, that’s enough for you.” What the fuck? Oh GREAT, I picked up another fucking PRICK TEASER!

In Microsoft Word, type a document, click “Tools” then “Word Count”. You’ll see how many words you typed, and a separate count that says “Non-Asian words”. For me, it always shows the same number as the regular word count. Why would it count Asian words separately?

So I wanted to see which Asian words it would count, so I typed “Karate”. Nope. “Judo!” Nothing. “Kung Fu”! Fuck, still nothing!

So I thought “Ah! And I typed, “KUNG POW CHICKEN”. Still no! Ok… “CHOP STICKS”, “SOY SAUCE!”, “FORTUNE COOKIES!” Still NOTHING! What the fuck kind of “Asian words” does this thing know?

And why is it only counting Asian words? What about Spanish words like “Taco”, “Burrito”, Chimichanga”, “illegal alien”, “Home Depot day-laborer”, “INS”? Or French words, like “I SURRENDER!” Nope, just English and Asian. Ok, but wouldn’t it be more useful then if it broke down English into dialects like “Southern”, “East Coast”, “West Coast” or even “African-American Urban Slang”?

So I typed “Yo”, “Sup”, “Shorty”, “Homeboy”, “in the hizzy”, “fo shizzle”. Nothing.
So I tried, “fried chicken”, “watermelon”, and “kool-aid”. Still nothing!

How about names like “Martin Luther King Jr”, “Malcolm X”, “Jessie Jackson” — nope — ok “Richard Pryor”, “Bill Cosby”, “Eddie Murphy” – not recognized! What the FUCK? Ok, “Webster”, “Arnold”, “Carlton from Fresh Prince of BelAir”, “STEVE URKEL”!!! NO NO NO NO!

Ok how about “GANGSTA”, “CRACK PIPE“, “DRIVEBY”, “BABY-DADDY”, “WELFARE” and “PRISON”? Not only did Microsoft Word NOT COUNT those SEPARATELY, but it said the SPELLING and GRAMMAR were COMPLETELY WRONG!

HOLY SHIT! MICROSOFT is………………….. RACIST!!!!